glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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