just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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