I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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