and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
he just fucked me for my cheese.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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