i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
