God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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