I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Terrible idea I love it
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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