Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize