I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
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