you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Randomize
