8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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