We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
