I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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