I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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