Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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