I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
