Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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