She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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