Say something about gay babies.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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