buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
