i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
