Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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