this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
