Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
