I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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