u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
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