hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
