Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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