Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
