So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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