So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Randomize
