Got a toothbrush?
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
