Duck Duck Cougar?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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