Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
