OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Randomize
