I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
