Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
