she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
