i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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