home. puking in laundry basket.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
