did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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