I think my vagina is haunted
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
