we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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