I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
