dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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