mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
