Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
