i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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