i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
that may or may not have been my penis.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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