she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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