You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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