The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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