So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
It's Friday. Sex?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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