It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
