the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
im having a threesome with these popsicles
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
