Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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