James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
