I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
