I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
