Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
