fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Duck Duck Cougar?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
