if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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